My little man is asleep. The silence is calm yet deafening as my mind accelerates through a million thoughts. Possibly voices in my head? insanity kicking in? I keep looking at my baby monitor, at the clock, at the phone, at the crib, frantically thinking to myself, yes I am haunted by motherhood.
“What … I should get done, where do I start, what is most important, how long till he awakes….shhuuuuu keep quite, he can hear my thoughts, don’t make that noise,. stop tapping the keys so hard, did you just cough shuuush, no need for a glass of water, it can wait because ……This time is priceless”
They say motherhood makes you master a great skill called multitasking. Albeit a skill, but one that makes my days longer but shorter at the same time … yes go figure … and I will not beat about sleep deprivation as it is now synonymous to motherhood. (oh and zoned out zombie too).
A side note, did I mentioned I cut Morticia lush long hair to an almost short shoulder length? “ah yes I have, ummm no no I am not going to jail”. I decided to unzombify my look as I was a cross between cousin Itt and uncle Fester, with patches of bald spots created by the pulls Arjun’s little fingers (my little man) and rest left untamed. It was either that or the fact that I never actually had time to comb the cobwebs grown in them over the past nine months. ok ok enough of that …..
I continue to believe that since I became a mother I acquired superpowers. I have blogged about this before so i will not dwell on the details. maybe what is missing is the witches broom? Yes, i would love to have the witches broom, great to clean up my weaning babies mess, or fly away somewhere when he goes all cry insane on me.
Well, back to my superpowers, I believe I have strengthened my thresholds for patience, tolerance and endurance. The last nine months have reinvented my life, above all lessons I think the most important lesson I have acquired is selflessness, altruism and a senses of great responsibly for the future.
Having said that, as a mother, a single parent, I don’t feel any more or less than a women who is not a mother. I do not believe that only after reproducing a little neonate our core qualities and strengths are suddenly induced, if not heightened. There is an underlying default setting all we women own. For some it takes being a mother to activate and for others something else. But regardless, I can advocate it took being a mother to activate my superpowers. Of course, I can only speak for myself. Maybe Andrea Leadsom did have a point, only that she expressed it the wrong way.
A year ago I was a professional singleton, free and unrestrained. I was constantly in hunt of a higher ambition to strike and the same time enjoying the spoils. I was good at what I did, I was independent and I was successful. At the time my key success indicators were clear, concise and a chase. I thrived in this world. This life does not exist anymore. I have a new job, I am a full time (and by full time, i dont mean 8-5, I mean 24 hours) mom. and I love it.
But the constant question in my head that seems to echo over an over, like someone shouting down the well Alice dropped into? oh that wait that was a rabbit hole … nonetheless, in search of the old me. The question constantly asking me how do I measure myself up now? What are my success indicators?
I cannot lie, ever so often I miss the old me, I miss the rut and I miss the professional drive I had. Other days I look at myself in the mirror in fear that I don’t recognize this new person. I fear this new person has taken over and is on a gradual decline to becoming this useless vegetable with only purpose of rearing a little one. Harsh! i am sorry … But am I fair on myself? Do others think like me? Is there a reason I feel this sense of loss? Can I still be the old me in new me body.
I profoundly believe i am doing an extraordinary thing (if i dont say so myself) by nurturing my little baby and having the sole responsibility of mapping his future/life. But why is this not enough for me? I know there is a simple answer somewhere, but why does the notion of motherhood still haunts me.