I struggle to come to terms with the fact that my true emotions hibernate in a rabbit hole, overwintered as winter approaches. I keep swirling as I go deep into yet another winter, into this cold hole, flashes of an unhappy past float in the walls of this dark slippery well. I am barely clutching on.
I still insist, I am happy, the amount of joy my little one has brought into my life is unparallel to anything else I have ever felt or understood happiness to be. it’s the closest I have come to the realisation of true happiness. On the other hand, parallel to another life I live.
In essence, can we live two lives when we give birth to life? Two lives, one that is lived in the eyes of my son, another that escapes and returns from time to time.
I battle those who watch with a watchful eye and judge with a heavy hand. I battle the very people who give a vote of confidence yet use this very vote as ammo when they care to throw an invective attack.
Those that push amongst the crowd, championing a superiority of supposed perfection.
I battle the normality around me that constantly reminds me of the results of my choices.
I battle women who demand emancipation yet stand next to another and cast their shadows enslavement.
I battle the hypocrisy hidden behind a smile, the question hidden behind a nod, the egocentricity behind dialogue.
I battle the pursuit for traditions, cultures and religions that shackle me, weaken me and subject my doctrine, my principles and my ideologies.
I battle the men who identify love with duress.
I battle the world around me that makes me feel this way.
My happiness is my right. My fundamental right to be me.