Today, My mother asked me if I missed him …. I felt as though I was clenching on to the edge of a dark hole that I was crawling out of, in fear of being thrown back in it, a dark hole that I visited a while ago and swore never to return, yet still haunted by ghost memories of this gap. I was taken aback as it’s a subject I have detached myself from and at some point in this journey I was convinced it was simply a bad dream.
I write with a heavy heart, I write with a tinge of sadness, a fear of anxiety for a foggy future ahead. I cannot see through the fog, though as I take each step forward, each step ofthe way gets clearer and each step of the way I am reassured I am on the right path.
I do not write with any regret.
I answered “no mom I don’t miss him….” I heard myself say these words and I too was reduced to a perfect nonplus. In my time apart, I had never missed him. And in this time apart I found happiness. Notwithstanding our bemuse, I also felt an anger grow in me, an underlying unsettled rage storming in me, a sense of imperfection and a despondent, impatient, restless, force compelling me to change my course, engulfing my very being with disappointment that something great didn’t fix my status quo.
How can I fix to perfection?
Why all the questions? Throughout my life I’ve had to answer for who I am, why I am, why I am not, when will I be …. I don’t want to answer anymore questions unless otherwise asked by me. I don’t want to justify my existence, my reality, my combat, my consequences. I don’t want to paint a pretty picture with bristle free brush, albeit a colourful one.
“What are you waiting for? When will you find a man? when will you get married… ? ” And today I felt as though I was asked “why are you happy…..?”
She went ahead to ask me – “did You not think 20 years down the line…. ” I then felt as though a needle was pierced in my heart held by my sons little fingers. There was no pain, just numbness and an emptiness. I answered “no mom… I now only see a day at a time and I am happy….. Mom – I love being a mother.”
I have been selfish.
I am using my family to selfishly shelter my son from the mess he was born in to. My mess? No! Simply life’s curveballs that miss the target and like a golf ball go aimlessly smashing through a window, breaking it, creating a fragile mess of sharp glass pieces.
I shelter my son with the love from my family – surrounded by my siblings, his grandparents and indirectly osmosis him with nothing but love. His love shines back. She asked me “what if we were not here for you…” At this point I looked into her eyes, a tear short of hate and the pain of anger that continued to brew, scarring me with the causticity of each word. A mother challenging another mother.
Can you be selfish yet selfless?
I don’t know how I can fix the broken pieces – walking through the fog they hurt my steps. I can’t see them, I can’t see the mess others remind me of. I don’t feel sadness, I don’t feel regret, I don’t want to turn back the clocks and remake my makings. Each step of the way was harsh but is it not how gold is made? Why would I want any different?
Each day passes by, I raise my son with love. I see love, I feel love, I give love, we share love. An intricate bond was created, and with a new life I was given a new life. This bond strongly ties us both together and within the knots lies the power that has given me my strength.
My son will one day ask me … And I will answer. I will tell him one of his first words I taught him was “love” because that is what I gave birth to, that is what we shared and that is what he will always have from me! My love is a fact. Motherhood is a fact – everything else is up to ones own discretion, judgement, reason and cognition. He will get his answers.
In the depths of winter, I finally learnt that within me there lay an invincible summer*
Don’t ask the dirt why they are not stars. Within the mess there is a natural sequence of purpose and order. I don’t need to answer any questions, I don’t need to explain my order. I’ve found what I’m looking for, the courage to look forward into the seasons of summer. There in lies my fulfilment and hope for happiness. A mapped structure is far from natural, don’t ask me for a plan, don’t ask me for a unit structure. Ask me for a fact, the fundamental universal fact of existence and maybe within all this is simply love.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage**
The bluebells are out, through the dirt they rise and carpet the world with little fairy bells dancing in the wind. Almost a magical show for a few days spread as far as the eyes can see. A blue ocean with shades of emerald foliage. Gems of nature arise from the dirt to remind us that out of nothing hope still exists and optimism prevails. As life throws us curveballs, we should not wait in anticipation for that extraordinary opportunity that would change its course, we should seize the common occasion and make them great. ***
*Quote by Albert Camus
**Quote by Lao Tzu
***Learning from Orison Swett